3 Tips For Relating With Others and Ourselves

My Word of the Year for 2021 has been “Relating”. I have spent the year taking college courses, relating with my kids, and relating to others in supportive settings. I have studied and worked more on attachment relationships and intimacy. I have developed my relationship with myself even more this year, so my tips will include some self-care application along with relating to others. Here’s a few tips I found throughout this year as it applies to “Relating”!

1. Do not deny another’s reality.

A. If someone comes to us and says something is wrong or they have an issue let’s stop telling them they are fine, will be fine, are strong, or dismiss them with some story about how your cousin overcame something 20 years ago (maybe I’m still resentful over that?!). If we want to have a secure connection with someone, validate their experiences and emotions.

B. For Self-Care application: Do not deny our own reality. If something hurts don’t say it doesn’t or that we’re an expletive for being hurt. Don’t say to suck it up, man up, put big girl panties on etc., these can be hurtful and dismissive. We feel much better if we speak to ourselves from a loving parent or friend perspective. I find that validating my emotions helps me to feel better especially if I dump my feelings on paper and then follow it up with validation and loving guidance. I tend to have back and forth conversations with myself to work through tough feelings and situations.

2. Do not offer support if we cannot give them full attention.

A. If we offer to listen to someone do not clean our fingernails or pick our teeth or doodle or stare off into the void. Actively listen! Repeat back what we heard, validate their emotions and/or experience. This should go without saying, but if we don’t have the time or energy to listen, be honest! Tell that person that while we love them, we can’t at this moment, and offer a time when we are available. Don’t just abandon or ghost them, but offer support when you can be fully present.

B. For Self-Care application: Stop distracting ourselves! Give ourselves full attention for a specified time every day (whether it’s journaling, exercise, healthy eating, sleep, active rest, self-care, meditation, art, whatever it is that fulfills us in the moment). Set aside distractions and pay attention to the body, emotions, and thoughts. Check in with ourselves daily!

3. Do not offer advice unless asked.

A. This is THE hardest for me! It’s still such an unconscious habit. I catch myself and put myself back into a supportive role unless being asked for my advice. People often will not follow our advice, so why waste our time and energy coming up with a solution and waste our breath telling them?! Also, it’s not our job to fix anyone else’s problems (unless you’re a Dr. or something, but still it’s the patient's responsibility to follow the treatment plan). The person communicating, more than likely, isn’t trying to solve the problem, but rather get emotional support and gain connection and intimacy from others.

B. For Self-Care application: OK this one can be funny with “don’t offer yourself advice without being asked” but a more serious tip is: Stop offering ourselves so much advice and trying to fix all our problems. Accept that we have done our best and focus on something positive that we want. I crafted my goals to be lofty, so that I need to break it down into weekly, monthly, semester, and annual smaller goals. This has given me a general direction with myriad opportunities to see and celebrate my successes along the way. Having goals and checking in with my progress every morning has been life changing for my self-esteem. Minimal daily journaling has paid off exponentially. Every morning I share with several of my “battle buddies” our celebration of a few accomplishments from the day before and how we want to spend our energy for the coming day. We can create a daily/weekly/monthly action plan to get closer to our goals and then take daily actions towards our dreams. As Peale said “Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.”

I hope you have had a safe and sane year!

~Liberty